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Parenting pro tip: if a toddler, who’s supposed to be asleep, shouts “oh yeah! It’s snowing!” you need to rush right in there. The snow was about 100 white garbage bags, which she had retrieved from her dresser drawer and was tossing up in the air with wild glee. Apparently, through all of this she is still growing, and now she’s tall enough to reach the dresser from her crib. This is what I get for not taking her outside today. I guess we’re all going a little stir crazy. 

I had a lot of conference calls, and I just couldn’t bring myself to take her out. Worrying about her touching the elevator buttons. Worrying about finding a place where people are social distancing. Worrying about her not touching benches and rocks and gates and fences and sidewalks and trashcans. Worrying about her trying to put garbage in her mouth. Worrying that the virus is airborne, that everyone we pass has it. Worrying about washing her hands when we get home, and if I’ve done it well enough.

I needed a day off from all that. I know it’s not rational. We’re still allowed to go outside. Everyone needs fresh air. But today I really wish I had a yard where I could just sit on my porch and let her run. 

Today we also resorted to Playdough shenanigans. First we made hair for Rex. Then we made spaghetti and meatballs. Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Playdough through a garlic press. 

But the highlight of today was that I got to talk to a lot of people. It’s so nice to talk with adults! And I love writing collaboratively. Also, I made chocolate chip cookies, and we all ate them warm.

And it’s raining, finally. Never thought I’d see the day when I looked forward to rain in Vancouver. But a little rain will chase us all indoors, and everything feels cozy again.

It’s been over a week since I started keeping this Coronavirus journal. When I started, I wondered what my life would look like in a week. A week later, I’m feeling the same way. Things can change so quickly. Yesterday, we didn’t go outside. I just couldn’t stomach walking past all these people sitting on picnic blankets.

Today, however, Dot kept asking to “go to fresh air,” so we tried to go up to our apartment complex’s rooftop deck, but the key got changed and I guess we no longer have access. Then, I tried to go to the cemetery, thinking she could run there, but it was closed and there were signs up. We ended up back at the school grounds. No one was in this big field, so I let Dot run. But as if we didn’t have enough signs of apocalypse, there was a random pile of seagull feathers, and another pile of crow feathers, as if birds are now exploding. 

When you walk with a toddler — or at least my toddler — you never go from Point A to Point B. You stop to dig in the dirt, use a stick as a microphone, investigate rocks, touch bark, say hello to flowers. Today, Dot turned over a plain grey stone, and it was painted underneath. A nice little moment of surprise: a little bit of colour added to our day. I hope that a week from now, we still have moments of calm and peace.

Today’s lesson: a pandemic is not the time for diet muffins. I baked some muffins for breakfast and wanted to use up some ingredients we had, such as applesauce, frozen blueberries and oatmeal. I found a recipe that looked okay, even though the first 1000 words of it were the blogger talking about all the deep insight she gained from her juice cleanse. I didn’t realize that these are diet muffins: the kind that the juice cleanse crowd sees as a “special treat” or “just like eating real food.” Well, they taste like someone smeared blueberries on some wallpaper paste. Bah! A pandemic is a time for, in the words of the poet Mary Oliver, letting “the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” The extremely soft animal of my body does not love diet muffins!

Speaking of soft animals, the toddler took my ill-timed bathroom break as an opportunity to turn herself into Daniel Tiger. I came out of the washroom to hear “Oh yeah! Tattoos like Aunty Kiki!” She was covered in orange marker. Tiger stripes, like Daniel Tiger. Well, if the kid’s going to need a bath anyhow, we might as well go for broke. So, we busted out the paint and some brown paper from an Amazon order. Then, it was time for a bubble bath, where Dot made me several “coffees” out of bubbles in a teacup. 

We didn’t go outside for the first time, in part because I couldn’t think of ways to keep away from crowds and in part because she woke up from her nap cranky. Instead, we Daniel-Tigered it up. Not having the outside time to look forward to was really disappointing, but I think it’s become necessary now.

Another day, another Toy Story. By the end of this, I’m going to look back at the work I did and think, “What journal wants an essay entitled ‘I Won’t Go Back in the Dark: Trauma Narratives in Toy Story’ or ‘Look On Your Boot: Disability Identity and Crip Narratives in Toy Story 4.” We are settling into a routine where Dot gets screen time, a piece of fruit and some water, and I get coffee/ work done, before we start our day. Did I tear up at the end of Toy Story 3 when all the toys think they’re going to get incinerated and they hold hands? Yes, yes I did. Is it maybe because I identify strongly with feeling like I am slowly sliding on a pile of garbage towards a fiery inferno and I can only reach out and hold the hands of my loved ones, but metaphorically because I can’t see most of my loved ones? Also yes.

Side note: Dot had a nightmare last night where she was saying, “Oh no Buzz Lightyear! To affinity beyond!” So…maybe we need to switch it up.

The work I’m doing for the Teaching & Learning Commons is keeping me sane. It feels good to talk to other adults and work together to create stuff. I forgot how much I missed collaborative writing. 

After Dot’s nap, we went to a secondary school to run around. Dot and I were chasing each other in the field, when she came up, hugged me and said, “You doing okay, mommy?” I suspect she’s picked up this phrase because she’s been very emotional, and I’ve been asking her this question, much in the way that she now calls me “baby Goose” because I call her “baby Goose.” Every morning she says “Hello baby goose mommy” and I say “Hello baby goose Dottie.” But she is a sensitive baby goose, and I’m going to remember not to talk so much about Coronavirus.

Today was also a day for small crafts: stamping different things around the house into playdough, drawing silly faces on toilet paper rolls then lining them up and knocking them down. We’re doing the best we can.

Here is an image of our day. I bet everyone’s getting real sick of my toddler’s back by now, so here’s also some cherry blossoms and chalk drawings we saw. 

Today I felt useful for the first time in a week. I worked on some projects for the Teaching & Learning team, channeling my anxiety into blogging. It reminded me a bit of working at the Paralympics, where you have to produce something under a lot of pressure. And, actually it’s appropriate, because even though it’s been 4 years since I worked at a Paralympic Games, I’m still wearing my Team Canada sweatpants.

If it was just me alone, I would hole up in my apartment. But because I have a toddler, I’ve been taking her out to run around for an hour a day, to try to practice social distancing. After yesterday’s disaster, we went to Trout Lake. We saw:

• Many dogs!
• Many ducks!
• A dog who was intent on picking up a log, which Dot thought was hilarious!
• Many people practicing social distancing, enjoying the sunshine!
• Groups of teenagers huddled together on a blanket, not social distancing.
• A birthday party in progress, not social distancing.
• A group of 20-somethings drinking in the park who were:
  • Bragging about a a Coronavirus playlist that they had made and were blasting loudly WHILE NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING
  • Talking about how the Coronavirus would drive up the price of cocaine WHILE NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING
  • Laughing about some internet challenge where people are licking toilets called Coronavirus challenge WHILE NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING!
  • Sharing. A. Bottle. Of. Booze. Drinking. Directly. From. The. Bottle. APPARENTLY LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF SOCIAL DISTANCING!

I’m trying not to be a Social Distancing Narc, since sunshine is good and I can’t control what other people do. But it’s hard to read the scared posts of immunocompromised friends and neighbours, then see people whose lives seem so unaffected. But I guess I’m out there too, trying to keep 6 feet away, chasing my toddler. 

Dot had fun, at least. She yelled “it’s a good boy! Sit!” at every dog we passed, and then we played a game where she pretended to make ketchup and mustard by stirring a stick in a hollow log. 

Another beautiful, difficult day. I took the toddler to Queen Elizabeth Park. It’s so hard to find places where she can just run and run. If we go to the gravel parking lot, she wants to visit the playground across the street and I can’t let her. If we go to Queen Elizabeth Park, she wants to jump in the duck pond or run into traffic, and I can’t let her. At the playground, she could run and explore as much as she wants, but in these times she keeps brushing up against the word “no” over and over. 

Today was a bit too much for her. We went to the top of Queen Elizabeth Park and she tripped while running by the water fountain and bloodied her nose. I cleaned her up (covering myself in blood in the process) and gave her a pouch and some water. She was excited to climb the different stairs in the park, and pretended to be a troll under a bridge to amuse some other little kids. But, then she took off running down a steep hill and we found ourselves at the bottom of Queen Elizabeth Park. She wanted to go across the street, but we had to go home for lunch. I ended up having to cart her up the hill as she twisted and screamed, which took me half an hour. 

On the way home, she was inconsolable, shouting “Run in a great big field! Mommy let’s run in a great big field! Run on the grass! Run in a great big field!”  Then, she wanted to see Nana and Aunty Kiki, and of course I had to tell her it will be awhile before we do either of those things.

She was feeling better after lunch and now she’s down for a nap. I am trying to think of a fun craft we can do to pass the time. My poor goose.

The one bright spot was that I bought her some new books from Iron Dog books. It’s good to be able to support a new business in these times.

I forgot it was St. Patrick’s Day, but the toddler and I wore green all the same. The morning felt normal due to a series of meetings. After Dot’s nap, however, we went back to our new home-away-from-home: the gravel parking lot.

For the past few days, we’ve stuck to exploring the parking lot, but today we wandered around Nat Bailey stadium and into Riley park. There’s still such a stark contrast between the stress of the news and this quiet Spring afternoon. Little flowers springing up, children playing, even a Little League baseball team practicing (why is a baseball team practicing when school got cancelled?) All the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom.

The toddler used a stick as a microphone, talked to a bird (“HI BIRDIE! WHERE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU BIRDIE?”), and greeted all the plants in the community garden. Several times, we accidentally ruined the take of a car salesman filming a promotional video for a new car. It was so bizarre to be worried about mass death, pandemic, how to pay rent, etc, and here’s this dude in a suit talking about the parking assist feature on some new car. No one’s buying new cars in the middle of a pandemic, Norman! What about you stay at home and put on some sweatpants with the rest of us?

Towards the end of our stay, Dot noticed the playground. Kids aren’t allowed on playgrounds right now, and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t go on the swing. As I carried her away, she screamed, “A swing! Go on a swing! Mommy it’s a swing!” How long will it be until my daughter gets to go on a swing?

She calmed down by the time we returned to our gravel parking lot, and I found her crouching down in the dirt, humming to herself.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Making medicine,” she said.

On Wednesday, I took Dot to a specialist appointment that we’ve been trying to get since she was a newborn. Just our luck: we got a phone call today saying that someone in the building had Coronavirus, and we’ve been exposed again. I was hoping that today we’d hear about whether or not my friend has Coronavirus. She called to get her test results and couldn’t get through, and the voice mailbox was full. I’m assuming that if her test was positive, they would have called her. Either way: we can’t catch a break. 

Dot is obsessed with this Rap ABC book, so we spent most of the day flipping the pages, as she tried to pronounce the names of different rappers: “S is for SOUP DOG! Q is for KEEN TEEFA! O is for Oh Dirty Bassad!” It is pretty funny. 

We also watched one of the Toy Story movies and I have questions! What was Woody doing before Andy was born? Why doesn’t he have trauma about a child outgrowing him, the way that the other toys do?

We also went back to the patch of gravel outside of Nat Bailey stadium to allow Dot to run around. She decided that socks and shoes were terrible, and refused to wear them. So here’s my wild child practicing some social distancing in her bare feet, filthy dirty.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day. I made blueberry banana muffins for breakfast and brewed up a big pot of coffee. I intended to take the toddler to run in the park again, but she kept trying to run into traffic. Instead, we found ourselves in a gravel parking lot. I sometimes forget that toddlers don’t see things the same way adults do. My daughter was content to walk around the parking lot for hours, picking up rocks and sticks, burying her hands in the gravel, passing me bits of wood she found, using a traffic cone as a “very silly hat” and laying on the ground and looking up at the trees. So, it was an unintentionally peaceful morning. 

My stash of Cadbury mini eggs is almost gone. Whoops.

We were successful in avoiding people, but it was so bizarre to drive home down Main Street, seeing so many people just happily out for brunch. Many of the restaurants were packed. The parking lot for Hillcrest Community Centre was packed too, with people going to the gym and taking their kids to lessons. It is scary to think that Italy was like this just a few weeks ago, and now look what’s happening. I wonder if some of the people having brunch have unwittingly just contracted a virus that is going to make them really sick or kill them. 

We’ve been in self-isolation since Wednesday (when I found out that a friend maybe has Coronavirus), and my daughter Dot and I are watching perhaps too much Toy Story. I may never get “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” out of my head. I’ve read that fresh air is still recommended, so I’ve been taking Dot to a wide open field to run around. We’re keeping six feet away from everyone else and she gets to run off her energy.

We went to the same field yesterday, and it turns out that Dot’s coat fell out of the car. I was delighted to see that someone had hung it up on a branch to keep it safe. I am grateful for that stranger’s small kindness.

Image description: a pink coat hangs from a branch.

Having a toddler is the ultimate test of social isolation, especially when it comes to my toddler, who loves to touch everything. Don’t chase those ducks! Don’t pick up duck poop! Don’t put that stick in your mouth! Don’t put that duck poop in your mouth! Stay away from those cars! 

Still, it was lovely to walk in the sunshine with the toddler, who is so interested in small things: the ice patterns on the mud, the colours on the ducks in the pond, the softness of moss, the roughness of bark. 

Image description: A toy T-rex sits on top of a pyramid of green disposable cups.

Towards the end of the day, we’ve had to get creative about how to entertain each other. We painted, drew pictures, sang Old MacDonald, watched Big Hero 6, and spent 20 minutes putting Rex on top of cups and knocking him down. It has been a long day, but we’re lucky that we feel well, so we have the problem of having too much energy.